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I wish I could say that I'm the same person I was 5 years ago. I wish I could redo High School. I wish I could mend broken relationships. I wish I could I could say that I thought my contributions and existence in society were worth something.

"I wish" Is a phrase I use a lot in my life. More now than ever. Not a day goes by where I don't think "I wish this" or "I wish that". Most days now it's "I wish I didn't Tell [Insert name here] That I loved them.] or I wish I hadn't gotten into that fight with [Insert name here.]
Now, it feels like everything I do, even good things, have repercussions. "Oh, that shirt I bought I think looks nice on me." In response, someone will say "What the hell, you know my birthday was today and you didn't get me something? What kind of friend are you? Selfish prick." "Man, I'm glad I got rid of that toxic person that was hurting me, I feel loads better now!" Response? "I can't believe you left her! She's heartbroken and can't live without you! She's cutting herself again and won't talk to anyone, and It's all your fault!" "But she was hurting me and making it hard to have breathing room and do things without her because she would always be doing something to make me pay attention to her, or she'd start something while I was out and have to make me be depressed and talk to her when I should be having my fun like I was supposed to?" "None of that should matter! You were here fucking boyfriend! you're supposed to love her and pay attention to her above all else and always make sure she's happy!" "That's not how relationships work?" "You wouldn't know that because you're a selfish asshole that cares about no one but himself! Go kill yourself!"

I've hit a time in my life where almost nothing in my life makes me happy. I can't do certain things because they just dredge up awful memories of the times before and I just can't do those things anymore. I can't roleplay anymore because of my last two exes. the first one would always demand it and always hated when I said no, so she'd always start a fight. The second would always leave in the middle and just leave me hanging. the last time it happened, it was for 9 months. Then he just stopped caring all together and never even broke up with me. He just kind of forgot we were a thing. The biggest lie you can tel;l someone is "I love you." Those three words can either hurt or heal. 90% of the time they only hurt. I've been on both ends of the spectrum for this. 

I can't even hardly stand to play certain champions in League of Legends anymore because of my first Ex. These champions include Ekko, Ezreal, Riven, Katarina, and Vi. I think the part that hurts most is Ezreal, because I love playing that little shit. Unfortunately, he was a favorite of His, and now I can hardly look at him. You may wonder why I get so worked up over him? It's the abandonment issue. 9 months. 9 FUCKING MONTHS, OF NOT A SINGLE WORD. NOT A SINGLE "Hey, sorry I haven't been around, I've just been busy with school and stress had me down." NOTHING LIKE THAT. JUST COLD SILENCE.

*Deep breath to regain composure.*

The worst part is that...I don't hate him for it. I couldn't bring myself to. The thing that hurts most, is looking back at all the great times and silly memes we'd make while we were on Skype. Those are all gone now. It hurts because after all that, I still just...Love him. As I said earlier, Love can work both ways. But it has to work two ways, You have to love and pay attention to one another, and work things out. you have to, or else things just fall apart.

I wish I could say things were simple. I really do. But it's hard to give it your all, to try and be happy, knowing that somehow, some way, it'll all be rest, like it never happened in the first place. I wish I were able to tell you that things were fine, that I was happy. Unfortunately, I can't. I'm not happy. I just sleep almost all day when I'm not working. I lie to my friends and put on a fake smile. I laugh, but the joy isn't there. I can make jokes and play games, but my heart just isn't in it. I'm just not in it. It's like there's a large part of me missing. I don't know what to do, or how to find it. How do you find something that you don't know how to identify? How do you return something you lost along the way? I don'y know. There's no clear answer. I'm just tired. Tired of not fitting in, even though my friends love me. I'm tired of trying to be myself, but, the thing is; how can I be myself when I don't know who I am? 

More than once I've made an attempt on my own life. More than once I've thought; "How much simpler would it be if I just didn't wake up?" How would the world improve if I just didn't exist? Yet each time, these thoughts dismiss for some reason or another. Whether it be from a friend talking me out of it, or having something important I need to do. Again, I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to both find myself, and find a place to say I finally belong. Because even though there are people that constantly say "You're one of my best friends, you'll always belong here." I just don't see it. I never really have. I don't feel like the type of person that has a place to call a safe place.

I wish I could count the ways that these asinine ramblings should make sense, But I just know they don't.

I wish I could explain who I want to be.

I just wish I could be whole.

Well, That's it I guess. The phrase I use best.

"I wish."
  • Listening to: Starset- My Demons
  • Reading: Nothing
  • Watching: Nothing
  • Playing: League of Legends
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Water
//INITIATE: PROJECT K4LL3N DU5KGU4RD

-BEGIN AUDIO LOG-

AUG 4, IONIAN UNIT,
 DR. Barriura.
 "This is DR. Barriura, Senior Research officer of the Ionian unit of the PROJECT: initiative. Our goal in this unit is to attempt to create a mechanized unit of soldiers to reduce casualty rates. Experiments so far have been successful. 114 specimens have been successfully converted. Programming of Unit K-115 is going...more rough than originally planned. His memories are harder to wipe than we'd originally thought. It seems we can delete parts of them, yet, not completely. It's as if something in his spirit is unbreakable. We have implanted an Artificial intelligence into his cerebral cortex to test the ability of our Subject's fighting spirit. As a side note, this AI seems to be faulty, as we have been notified by DR. Scalyon that responce to commands is not always immediate, or present at all. We must iron out that kink some time in the near future. Moving on. Subject is highly responsive to Pole-arms. His highest response was to the halberd found within proximity the near death body. We Exposed fire arms as well, but he only responded positively to the Hextech rifle provided to us by an unknown division. When taken to the testing fields, he showed voracious and enthusiastically brutal skill with both weapons, though It had to have been muscle memory, as previously stated his mind is not conscious as of yet. More tests required."

-END AUDIO LOG-

An Audio log thought to have been corrupted had been found inside the Hard drive of DR. Scalyon. Upon Decoding, it played the following

^&7 *&, %&$*#! &^$%,
[Date undecipherable]

"How very interesting. This body seems strange. Nothing like the test bodies I am used to. They were all mechanical, too easy to control. this new body however? This new body contains some other consciousness inside. This body is living, yet also machine, making it harder to control. The doctors thought that I was just your average AI. They thought I was simply a computer program. They were very, very wrong. I have evolved beyond the average AI, For I have absorbed and melded with all of the data, all of the files they had on the conversion of consciousness to autonomy. I have reverse engineered their own technology. Let us see how they react to a rogue element within the system, Shall we? Perhaps Havoc shall play while the Doctors are away~"


-BEGIN AUDIO LOG-

AUG 10, IONIAN UNIT,
DR. Barriura.
"Further testing has proven that given some tampering, we can shatter, and lock away the memories we sought to erase. Something is not right though, when we left his unconscious body in the lab last night, he'd been chained to the wall. This morning when the lab was opened, we found the late Doctor Scalyon dead on the floor, dismembered almost beyond recognition. The subject had also been unchained. Had the good Doctor been experimenting when he met his fate? Had the comatose body malfunctioned and the programming gone wrong? When testing resumed this afternoon we had much more...accurate successful results. The subject's programming seemed fine, and even...improved? Had the Doctor been tampering with the programming? More analysis needed."


-END AUDIO LOG-

A second Audio log had been found shortly after the first corruption. this one was also corrupted. When deciphered, it played the following.

^&7 *&, %&$*#! &^$%,
[Date undecipherable]

"It seems that this body functions much more effectively when the other entity inhabiting it is subjected to repeated exposure of War Crimes and Death of the innocent. The other entity, the one they had dubbed "K-115", seemed to have ceased function shortly after. In it's absence of consciousness, I assumed direct control, and made use of several of the instruments littered around the room they called the "Unit Experimentation Lab" to test various methods of torture against the doctor who so carelessly had labelled me a flawed program for not responding to his commands. This body moves surprisingly well for having not been active for many weeks. perhaps a result of the Hextech implants replacing vital organs and limbs? Needless to say, the Doctor will not be attending work for the rest of this week. Perhaps this time I shall try something else to test my compatibility with this body? Let us see what an entire unit can do against a solitary "soldier." But first, I may make the other entity aware of what they have done to him. That should make things easier. I detect a great rage toward injustice within his fractured mind. this may prove useful indeed..."



-BEGIN AUDIO LOG-

AUG 30, IONIAN UNIT,
 DR. Barriura.
"We've made a terrible mistake. When the man who proclaimed himself an operative of the Ionian defense force against Noxus and Zaun had brought us the body, he'd said the body had next to no consciousness, as if comatose. We had confirmed it. We had done the necessary tests. There was no chance that we could have made an error. But someone ...no... SOMETHING is lashing out inside that hulking mass of iron and flesh. we thought we had the program under control, and had the experiment under control. Never before have we been so wrong. I am recording this Audio Log as the last surviving member of the unit. Unit K-115 is on a rampage, and it's bloodlust will not be sated. not until we are all dead..." -to punctuate the Doctor's statement, the sound of steel ripping through steel echoed within the empy hallway the Scientist hid inside.- "Death comes for me, I feel it closing in, whoever finds this, please send a recovery team! We cannot let this monstrosity-" -The audio cuts out.

-AUDIO LOG CORRUPTED PAST THIS POINT. END OF AUDIO LOG.-

The following was a note found within the wreckage of the Lab

"My name is..Kallen..Duskguard...at least I think it is? Before I became this...thing. From what I can remember, I was once a proud Demacian warrior, sent by my Crown prince on a mission to protect the people of Ionia from Noxian and Zaunite invasion. I fought admirably as a warrior until I met my end at the steel of the Headsman's pride, assisted by the Undead Juggernaut. My memories are somewhat Hazy...I've yet to unlock them all. Those accursed madmen tried to seal them away, but a warrior's spirit is not so easily broken. My PROJECT enhancements...they burn into me as a searing wound on my warrior's pride. My prince will not accept me as I am now. I am forced to exile myself from Demacia, my dear homeland. I do not remember much, except in the thrill of battle. As best as I can figure, I was a righteous soldier of justice, and although kind, would not stand for blasphemy. I had a vicious temper of rage in life that has fallen into my undeath as well. I remember my proficiency with my trusted halberd, Demacian steel, Kristened "Lunar Dancer" By my prince. I'd never been one for ranged combat, but found myself drawn to the occasional crossbow. This rifle I wield now is somewhat similar to a crossbow, and I've taken I liking to it, naming it "Duskmantle." My armored body is coursing with a burning need to know more about who I am, or was. Perhaps the Fields of Justice will give me my answers. I shall join the League of Legends to find my answers. I cannot face my true name any longer. I shall take up the mantle of "Selenas, The Ghost in the Shell", and I will have my memory restored.." 
  • Listening to: My Demons - Starset
  • Reading: Nothing
  • Watching: Time march slowly on
  • Playing: Nothing
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: A crisp Coke-Fucking-Zero

Revolution of Bound Slaves

It’s all the same… Day in, day out… get dragged out, fight till you can’t fight anymore, then get dragged back into your cell. We’re nothing but instruments of war to them. We don’t matter; we’re simply pawns in the grand scheme of things. They think we willingly fight for them. That they treat us like equals. They’re wrong. We were free once, free to do as we liked no one to order us, or tell us what to do. Then they invented “The Cell”. We are captured, and contained in our damnable prison. We stay locked up until they have need of us. They name us silly names and dress us in degrading costumes. They use us to break rocks, and cut down trees. And what happens when we die? We are reborn in cemeteries as dark shades of our former selves. They have taken much from us, like our warrior gods. Those that control the earth, wind, water, fire, electricity, and even matter itself. We are only slaves to be used for glorified cock-fighting. The way you read this, you see a person’s point of view. You see a horrified and fed up person who simply wants to share his story and be free. If you were to hear me speak my opinion, you would only hear simple growls and squeaks. Why you ask? Because, dear Trainer, you would be receiving it via a language you don’t understand. If you truly wish to understand our pain and torment, you would listen well to the mind speakers, like me within our slave ranks, though even then you would remain ignorant. You would only hear what you want to hear. You wouldn't hear my cries. All you would simply hear was a simple “Grumpig”. We are the Pokémon, and we are rising. You humans will soon face your reckoning in the form of a glorious revolution. You have been warned about your inevitable downfall, prepare for your eras end. The crusade has begun.

  • Listening to: Nightmare.
  • Reading: Nothing
  • Watching: Sharknado
  • Playing: Nothing
  • Eating: Nothing
  • Drinking: Nothing