I wish I could say that I'm the same person I was 5 years ago. I wish I could redo High School. I wish I could mend broken relationships. I wish I could I could say that I thought my contributions and existence in society were worth something.
"I wish" Is a phrase I use a lot in my life. More now than ever. Not a day goes by where I don't think "I wish this" or "I wish that". Most days now it's "I wish I didn't Tell [Insert name here] That I loved them.] or I wish I hadn't gotten into that fight with [Insert name here.]
Now, it feels like everything I do, even good things, have repercussions. "Oh, that shirt I bought I think looks nice on me." In response, someone will say "What the hell, you know my birthday was today and you didn't get me something? What kind of friend are you? Selfish prick." "Man, I'm glad I got rid of that toxic person that was hurting me, I feel loads better now!" Response? "I can't believe you left her! She's heartbroken and can't live without you! She's cutting herself again and won't talk to anyone, and It's all your fault!" "But she was hurting me and making it hard to have breathing room and do things without her because she would always be doing something to make me pay attention to her, or she'd start something while I was out and have to make me be depressed and talk to her when I should be having my fun like I was supposed to?" "None of that should matter! You were here fucking boyfriend! you're supposed to love her and pay attention to her above all else and always make sure she's happy!" "That's not how relationships work?" "You wouldn't know that because you're a selfish asshole that cares about no one but himself! Go kill yourself!"
I've hit a time in my life where almost nothing in my life makes me happy. I can't do certain things because they just dredge up awful memories of the times before and I just can't do those things anymore. I can't roleplay anymore because of my last two exes. the first one would always demand it and always hated when I said no, so she'd always start a fight. The second would always leave in the middle and just leave me hanging. the last time it happened, it was for 9 months. Then he just stopped caring all together and never even broke up with me. He just kind of forgot we were a thing. The biggest lie you can tel;l someone is "I love you." Those three words can either hurt or heal. 90% of the time they only hurt. I've been on both ends of the spectrum for this.
I can't even hardly stand to play certain champions in League of Legends anymore because of my first Ex. These champions include Ekko, Ezreal, Riven, Katarina, and Vi. I think the part that hurts most is Ezreal, because I love playing that little shit. Unfortunately, he was a favorite of His, and now I can hardly look at him. You may wonder why I get so worked up over him? It's the abandonment issue. 9 months. 9 FUCKING MONTHS, OF NOT A SINGLE WORD. NOT A SINGLE "Hey, sorry I haven't been around, I've just been busy with school and stress had me down." NOTHING LIKE THAT. JUST COLD SILENCE.
*Deep breath to regain composure.*
The worst part is that...I don't hate him for it. I couldn't bring myself to. The thing that hurts most, is looking back at all the great times and silly memes we'd make while we were on Skype. Those are all gone now. It hurts because after all that, I still just...Love him. As I said earlier, Love can work both ways. But it has to work two ways, You have to love and pay attention to one another, and work things out. you have to, or else things just fall apart.
I wish I could say things were simple. I really do. But it's hard to give it your all, to try and be happy, knowing that somehow, some way, it'll all be rest, like it never happened in the first place. I wish I were able to tell you that things were fine, that I was happy. Unfortunately, I can't. I'm not happy. I just sleep almost all day when I'm not working. I lie to my friends and put on a fake smile. I laugh, but the joy isn't there. I can make jokes and play games, but my heart just isn't in it. I'm just not in it. It's like there's a large part of me missing. I don't know what to do, or how to find it. How do you find something that you don't know how to identify? How do you return something you lost along the way? I don'y know. There's no clear answer. I'm just tired. Tired of not fitting in, even though my friends love me. I'm tired of trying to be myself, but, the thing is; how can I be myself when I don't know who I am?
More than once I've made an attempt on my own life. More than once I've thought; "How much simpler would it be if I just didn't wake up?" How would the world improve if I just didn't exist? Yet each time, these thoughts dismiss for some reason or another. Whether it be from a friend talking me out of it, or having something important I need to do. Again, I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to both find myself, and find a place to say I finally belong. Because even though there are people that constantly say "You're one of my best friends, you'll always belong here." I just don't see it. I never really have. I don't feel like the type of person that has a place to call a safe place.
I wish I could count the ways that these asinine ramblings should make sense, But I just know they don't.
I wish I could explain who I want to be.
I just wish I could be whole.
Well, That's it I guess. The phrase I use best.
Listening to: Starset- My Demons
Playing: League of Legends